When your breathe stops, my heart stops

I don't like to think about the things that keep happening. I want to pretend that everything is okay and your just a smiling baby girl and your health is great. I want to pretend that if I pinch myself I'll wake up and you will no longer feel any pain... but my dreams are not my reality, you suffer and I watch you and you cry as your cries get louder. I wish I could save you like the super mom I'm sure God made me to be. If I'm your medicine why can't I heal your wounds and why can't I stop your cries. This blog is deep inside of my heart this blog isn't smiley faces not tonight you see. Three days ago you begin to cry, I held you tight and watched you die again :( I know its only for a short time because God brings you back to me but its breaking me my will to live seeing this is hard but mommy is trying. I'll do whatever it takes to be there even if life isn't easy for you because of this. I'm more then a best friend I'll be your mother through thick in thin and bad or worse GOOD OR GREAT! Even if it feels like saving you will kill me, my heart it breaks each time I see this happen and I feel the world around me has no idea what I feel. I don't like when someone ask me questions because they don't know. I honestly can't explain because its not a feeling its something else when you feel your insides crack and you hear silence and there is nothing but your pain. I find it hard to function sometimes to be the strong woman I was set out to be to save you like your hero. This blog is for you Aspen and I know it might break some hearts but you need to know that I've been through hell for you and I'll continue to walk this path until we both see the light at the end of the tunnel that is hope and a journey where when you breathe your chest goes up and down the way it should. Where I sleep more then three hours a night because I'm concerned and every emotion feels like burns on my heart. But with this I'm unbreakable.

Note to self : I might not be smiling tonight but you are