When all your fears come to life, what else do you fear ? The answer is nothing, you have then over come everything your mind has brought before you as scary and everything else seems as if its normal to you. Pain is normal and now you believe you can conquer the world because if you can get through those fears... What is stopping you ? The answer is nothing....

On Decemeber 28th 2011 I gave birth to a baby girl named Aspen, for about 2 months we thought Aspen was perfectly healthy until a series of health issues came to life and we as parents struggled to cope with what was happening.

Note to Self : History repeats its self

On March 27th 2013 I gave birth to a baby boy name Tristen, for the entire pregnancy we thought he was perfectly healthy. Until he begin to vomit green and then found he needed surgery to survive.

I FEAR NOTHING

I have fought the biggest of battles and I still fight. The battle isn't over until an answer is meet. I will not walk away and leave things be with no answer and I will not give up the fight because that is not going to help my daughter. I will give up whatever I have to give up that is mine for my children and my family. I am devoted and I am strong and I fear nothing. So many times I brought my daughter back to life in my arms her life-less body my breath brought her back. What is scarier then that ? What is harder then that ? How can you have more fear in your body then that moment... The answer is you can't. That is the moment you will try to erase out your mind for years but its still there but with all this comes a blessing

I learned how to fight not only for myself but for my children. I learned how to show other parents that its okay to be afraid but don't stay afraid. I learned how to completely give my all to being a mother at the young age of 23 I learned more then most do in a life time.


~ To Be Continued

Maybe Then You Might Know What Its Like To Have To Lose

I never thought our picture perfect life would be this way
I never knew when I held my baby the first time it would be a fight to keep her alive
I never got to really enjoy her before she got sick
I never thought I'd be the Mother judged for doing what is right and that is taking my child to the doctor
but I am...
I never thought my family would have to watch helplessly
and I never thought I'd be accused of hurting my kids I love more then this world
especially my smallest little girl
I don't understand their logic behind all of this at all
I feel afraid to call 911 and I feel like I'm pushed up aganist a wall
I've started this blog to release a lot of these emotions I've had to keep inside of me
I feel like as an American and as a Mother I don't have the right to speak
I have to get this out as its bothering me more then I can say
I never thought I'd feel fear of being judged
as I don't drink I don't smoke and I don't do drugs
I spoil my kids with kisses and hugs
I cry when my daughter is held down for shots
I know I have a Husband that I love very much
but my kids are all I've got
I've had them threatened to be snatched from me for an illness I don't have
I have cried many nights and even screamed myself to sleep from the pain doctors have caused my daughter and I
I have even gone as far as to question why I'm alive
as this is the hardest battle I've ever fought
I've been so weak my body has given out I'm pregnant with our 3rd child and afraid of loosing him
The stress I'm under is so hard to bare especially when you can tell the doctors anything about your youngest child and they act like they don't care
I'm struggling right now but I know we will make it through this but I keep asking myself why would they do this
I don't deserve to be treated this way at all
and most importantly my Daughter doesn't deserve to suffer
I feel like a failure as her Mother...
I hope some day soon I can help her and they stop causing us so much pain
I have nothing to gain from any of this except a cure an answer... so it is with this first post I share with you my journey with a medical mystery illness

Expecting the Unexpected...

On May 16th we had our first ultrasound for what we had no idea would be two angels... on May 18th they gained beautiful wings to Heaven

 The grieving process was hard and I felt as if the world had ended and I was standing among the rubble... 
My tears were the oceans God himself built the world on in just seven days... 

I learned the true meaning of a broken heart and I felt so much hate/confusion and unsettling emotions I'd ever felt

I felt alone...

It was hard to cuddle my own children because the thought of a child or pregnant woman brought me to tears that didn't stop and I made sounds a woman would make if she lost her solider or loved one

Note to self : God always has a plan

On August 12th 2012 the exact same year and not long after losing our precious babies...

God blessed us with life again

To my surprise he sent me a special gift a baby or babies to bring into this world 

Due Date : April 2nd 2013

By LMP : June 26th

lasted till June 29th

pink spotting on July 8th 2012

Also on August 12th we had our first ultrasound 
here it is

In the beginning God created LOVE

Here is a close up 2 tiny circles/dots 

what they are only time will tell

I think 1 is the sac and another is the baby

or its 2 babies again :)

either way we feel very blessed  and happy

HCG LEVEL : CHECKS - UPDATES

August 12th 2012 - 60

August 14th 2012 - 136 -more then doubled

August 17th - 1331 more then tripled :)

August 12th - Put on bed rest / rest no lifting

We have planned a reveal @ 12 weeks for everyone to be informed of our blessing <3

When your breathe stops, my heart stops

I don't like to think about the things that keep happening. I want to pretend that everything is okay and your just a smiling baby girl and your health is great. I want to pretend that if I pinch myself I'll wake up and you will no longer feel any pain... but my dreams are not my reality, you suffer and I watch you and you cry as your cries get louder. I wish I could save you like the super mom I'm sure God made me to be. If I'm your medicine why can't I heal your wounds and why can't I stop your cries. This blog is deep inside of my heart this blog isn't smiley faces not tonight you see. Three days ago you begin to cry, I held you tight and watched you die again :( I know its only for a short time because God brings you back to me but its breaking me my will to live seeing this is hard but mommy is trying. I'll do whatever it takes to be there even if life isn't easy for you because of this. I'm more then a best friend I'll be your mother through thick in thin and bad or worse GOOD OR GREAT! Even if it feels like saving you will kill me, my heart it breaks each time I see this happen and I feel the world around me has no idea what I feel. I don't like when someone ask me questions because they don't know. I honestly can't explain because its not a feeling its something else when you feel your insides crack and you hear silence and there is nothing but your pain. I find it hard to function sometimes to be the strong woman I was set out to be to save you like your hero. This blog is for you Aspen and I know it might break some hearts but you need to know that I've been through hell for you and I'll continue to walk this path until we both see the light at the end of the tunnel that is hope and a journey where when you breathe your chest goes up and down the way it should. Where I sleep more then three hours a night because I'm concerned and every emotion feels like burns on my heart. But with this I'm unbreakable.

Note to self : I might not be smiling tonight but you are

Easter - Celebration of Jesus :)

To Be Continued ...

God will never leave

My last post was hard to write its true I didn't think about what was written it only spilled out of my heart. It was heart breaking to read again and relive it , but God has changed Aspen's fate. When a doctor tells you nothing can be done he/she is wrong because there is someone with a higher degree then anyone you could imagine and he is God.

Explain to me how our 3 month old went from struggling to breathe in her sleep to laughing in it ? Her episodes stopped on Easter not a single one since.

                                              My temporary home was fear

Note To Self : Never forget what your maker is capable of


Kora and Aspen are doing well Kora is 3 years of age 


Koras milestones are


Miss Priss - I love to sneak moms make up


I am back tracking on potty training but doing better each day


You can catch me trying to read a book when I get silent come find me and I'll have a book legs crossed trying my hardest


I carry a purse but inside my purse just like my mommy I carry my camera
I ask animals to pose for me and mommy and daddy too


I love to dance when music comes on


You can catch me singing songs in my bathtub


I love my cousins and I miss them each time they leave


When my mimi and aunt comes in the door I greet them with a hug


The steps I take are many the words I speak are many


I am 3 years old :)

Aspens Mile Stones are


I can roll over watch me daddy 


When I smile I smile so big my smile covers my whole face


I laugh in my sleep


I don't believe doctors when they say I'm going to be sick forever


I am strong willed and I have bright eyes that each day change to a different color


I've upgraded to cereal in my bottle and yum yum I love it


I giggle when you tickle me


I'm so long I wear 6-9 months clothing


I love to watch my mobile 


Not a fan of tummy time


I sleep through the night most nights <3


I don't struggle anymore


I'm 3 months old

I may not be fully better but I'm strong and I no longer have to struggle 
for the breathe that's rightfully mine <3


God is good <3


Note To Self : We are blessed 

When Things Change Keep Your Head Up

A lot has changed my husband and I and our two beautiful baby girls moved into our own 3 bedroom 2 bath home. Finally it has seemed like a lifetime although I hate to say some days I miss the extra company from all of my siblings.


While most of my blogs are filled with joy this one not so much but I'll do my best that is for sure.


Everyone has been sick Kora,Me and Aspen as well Daddy got lucky he didn't get sick at all but Kora got better I'm getting better and Aspen took a turn for the worse just a few days ago


I've been taking her to the doctors with concern about when shes sleeping the struggle she is going through just to breath but no doctor saw her condition as a concern like I did I felt very alone. 


The same day yet another doctor told us she was fine , turns out she wasn't...

Note to self : always trust what you feel inside as a mother even if a doctor tells you your wrong

I never thought I'd be faced with this but our Aspen turned blue the concerns that we had were real and they were serious at 3am I called an ambulance at the neighbors and we were rushed to the near by hospital with our Aspen fighting to breathe. I had videos and pictures of what had happened along with a list of each time it happened because I was afraid nobody would believe me because I'm a  young mother. Crying isn't allowed when you have to be strong, dying isn't allowed when you want to be invisible. Not when your child needs you to be mama not when your the only support they are hanging on your their life support.

It was a long few nights in the hospital as my fears became a reality a machine let me know everytime she stopped breathing.

STOPPED BREATHING like its that simple what you'd never guess you'd lose your child from but it happens they just stop breathing.

Nurses rushed in and out our room every time her monitor went off some were believers and others just blew us off even with everything we had been through

I'm glad I had a wonderful friend in that uncomfortable hospital chair so I wasn't alone while daddy stayed home with Kora and insured her everything's okay sister will be fine but we didn't know this for sure 

we still don't

Why is this happening to my baby?

I asked myself this question as the doctors came in and told me exactly what my daughter had wrong with her although to me she was perfect it was hard to listen your daughter has GERD they said its severe her stomach contents come back up after she eats and it chokes her she also has vaso vagal responses in her sleep her heart STOPS pumping blood to her brain and her brain doesn't tell her body to breathe... this is worse then sleep apnea I am sorry and then they stated my last name like when a doctor says I'm sorry you have cancer.. Mrs ____________

Aspen was sent home with a monitor that I can't remove from her body unless she is submerged in water like for a bath or for swimming if she doesn't grow out of this

nobody really knows if she will or not 

but we PRAY! 

I know others feel that its hopeless and maybe before I felt hopeless but now whats happening has a name and someone believes us even if I wish we were wrong.

we are not here are some images of her in the hospital

 In the ER

 Her Crib In The Room

Concerned Daddy Kisses

 The First Smile 

 Concerned Big Sis

Mommy I'm going to make it through 

I'd also like to share images taken of Aspen and Kora together the same day the night before all this became our reality

 My reminders that each day I CAN and WILL be strong

 A Love Like No Other

All SMILES Princess's

Shes Really Grown Since ...

Note To Self : Things Happen In Life That We Can't Control , As Parents We Take Control To Give Our Children The Best Life's Possible, We Will Never Give Up!